I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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