omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
