I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
