you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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