Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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