Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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