Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
