He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
