Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
