um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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