I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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