I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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