Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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