Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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