Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize