True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
