What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
