the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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