I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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