He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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