There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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