I hope mine doesn't look like that
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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