Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
