God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize