Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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