True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Randomize
