i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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