Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
