Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
