I'm going to jail i love you
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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