Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
