i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
porn star boner night. come get it.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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