I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i think i have two assholes
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize