so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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