So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
