woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
