dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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