Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
