Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
