Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
