Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
