i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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