the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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