shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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