Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
