did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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