My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
