i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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