Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
