Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
