I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I think I sprained my soul last night
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize