My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
In other news, I just burned my penis
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
