How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize