Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
