Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
