how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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