Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
