My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
