Taylor Swift is so right about you.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
