Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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