OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
