Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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