bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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