I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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