I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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