So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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