A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
