This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The Olympian is in my bed
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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