My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
