Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
