My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
