I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
