peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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