I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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