I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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