and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
