11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
